


let love consume us

by ivermectin



Category: Gossip Girl (TV 2007)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon compliant until s3, Character Study, Dan Humphrey Loves Nate Archibald, Endgame: Dan/Nate, F/M, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mentions of Therapy, Nate Archibald has more issues than Vogue, POV Nate Archibald, Pining, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Esteem Issues, Vanessa Abrams is a Good Friend, implied/referenced canon rape/non-con, jokes and banter and a disney movie and a vampire weekend song, mentions of abusive parents (implied), small mention of serenate, standard gossip girl content warnings, the carter/nate stuff is the same as in 1x04, there's lightheartedness too, this fic will break ur heart with angst & then proceed to give you cavities from the fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 01:33:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29217264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivermectin/pseuds/ivermectin
Summary: Loving people, being in love, accepting that he is loved - none of these things come naturally to Nate.
Relationships: Carter Baizen/Serena van der Woodsen (background), Nate Archibald & Serena van der Woodsen, Nate Archibald/Carter Baizen, Nate Archibald/Dan Humphrey, Vanessa Abrams & Nate Archibald
Comments: 7
Kudos: 8





	let love consume us

**Author's Note:**

> title from "when you can't sleep at night" by of mice & men. these lyrics in particular i think are the vibe: " _pretty little lady with your swollen eyes / would you show them to me? / i know i'm not that perfect / but you stay awhile / baby, then you will see._ "
> 
> finally wrote carter/nate, and it was just as sad as i knew it would turn out. had to give my boy a happy ending, so there is dan.  
> this also dwells a lot in the dan & nate & vanessa friendship, which i really wanted to centre somehow.

1

The dizzy euphoria is confusing, but Nate doesn’t look too closely at it, choosing instead to hold onto Carter like he’s a life draft and he’s drowning. Carter got _out_. He looks rough around the edges, wearing cheap clothing, hair a mess and his eyes somehow inexplicably more tired, but his smiles seem genuine, and he talks to Nate about it all, shows him polaroids of places so far away from New York, places where being an Archibald or a Van der Bilt or a Baizen or anything else doesn’t mean anything.

Nate wants all of it. He wants to be on the run with Carter. He wants a backpack, he wants to be stranded in a city with a name he can’t pronounce, he wants to know what it feels like, being in the middle of nowhere, low on money, trying to make ends meet. He wants the sun in his face, he wants his hair to grow down to his shoulders, he wants to wear jeans and flimsy shirts and have wrists adorned with bracelets. He wants to be one of those fucking hipsters who Chuck hates.

But there’s a feeling in the pit of Nate’s stomach, like free fall, like someone’s pushed him off a cliff, like he’s just sinking through the air. Every time Carter smiles at him, it’s like someone’s holding a candle to the inside of his lungs, like there’s fireworks in his throat. It’s too much, and it’s not enough, and it’s terrifying, because it’s more than he’s ever felt for Blair, and when he thinks of the two of them, him and Carter, travelling the world together, he thinks it could be more than he feels for Serena, if he let it grow.

2

Carter kisses him in the club bathroom, laughs. “You looked like you wanted it,” he says, smirking.

Nate winds his arms around Carter, kisses him back, fumbling inexpertly. He’s supposed to be better at this, he thinks, at kissing, but it’s Carter, and Nate just feels like a child, like he’s way out of depth.

Carter doesn’t seem to mind, if the friendly smile is anything to go by. He puts a hand into Nate’s pants, and it’s all over very quickly. He gently pushes Nate down to his knees, teaches him how to give a blowjob. Pats his cheek once it’s over.

Later, leaving the club, still laughing, Nate feels for once like maybe he can escape the choke chain that is his life, that maybe he does have a happy ending waiting for him, after all. Like he and Carter are in on a secret.

Then Carter scams him for money, and Nate thinks, yes, there had been a secret, but he’d never been in on it at all. It had just been Carter.

3

Punching Carter in the face at Cotillion feels good. Nate pretends it’s for Blair, not for himself.

Sex with Blair _after_ feels good, too. Not as good as – no. No, no, no. Nate isn’t going to go there.

He _needs_ to be heterosexual. He can’t afford to not be heterosexual. The Carter thing was a mistake – a mistake he wants to repeat, he thinks, remembering the way Carter’s hands had felt on his shoulders, pressing him down, gentle yet firm.

He doesn’t call the wrong name during sex, but he bites his lip to stay silent when he comes. Blair is beaming, glowing, smiling at him, and Nate feels like the worst person it is possible to be. His father’s son, a beautiful liar, his mother’s son, the great pretender. Ladies and gentlemen: Nate Archibald.

4

In college, Serena and Carter become something none of them had seen coming.

Blair raises an eyebrow, says, “They make more sense than they ought to,” and says nothing more on the topic, reading the newspaper idly, ending the conversation neatly like closing a door in his face.

Nate isn’t sure who he’s jealous of. He thinks of the two of them a lot of the time, thinks of Serena’s laughter, warm and glowing, a puddle of sunshine, all dedicated solely to Carter, her hands on his shoulders, the way he’d overheard her, saying, mid-laugh, _I feel like I can tell you anything_ , and what was the real tragedy here? That Serena had gotten from Carter what Nate had craved so desperately but been denied? That Carter had gotten to love Serena – Serena, who Nate remembered making love to with such aching fondness that he suspected his memory was unreliable and he’d embellished it. Surely nobody had touched him as kindly, as sweetly, as Serena had, drunk and giggling and just as fucking ruined as he was.

Nate needs to talk to someone about it, and he’s all out of options, except… during one of his study sessions with Dan, he realises he isn’t all out of options after all.

He and Dan have an ease about them that he’s never felt with anyone else, and Dan has seen him at some of his lowest lows, and is somehow still friends with Nate. It’s bizarrely uncomplicated, the way they are around each other, and maybe it’s the knowledge of that that makes Nate take this risk that he usually would not, and _ask_ Dan.

“Do you miss her?” he asks Dan, no context to the question, opening his highlighter absently, outlining a random line in his textbook to seem like he’s focusing on something. “Serena?”

“I don’t know,” Dan says, too honest. He sounds almost lost, Nate notices. He’s not looking at Nate. “Carter makes her happy, he understands the part of her that wants to escape. I could never give her that. I don’t know what _I_ could give her.”

For some reason, this pisses Nate off. “Don’t say that,” he says. He isn’t sure why it hurts as much as it does, seeing someone else other than him having shitty romantic self-image issues. “Promise me you won’t say that.”

Dan looks at him curiously, quirks an eyebrow. But he smiles a little, faintly. “Okay,” he says.

5

Maybe, given that, he shouldn’t be too surprised when Dan calls him over to the loft for a sleepover, which takes turns into the non-platonic very quickly.

Nate has barely deposited a plastic bag of the best weed he could get at such short notice on the kitchen counter, when Dan says, too fast, like he’s rushing through it before he can second guess himself, “Stop me if I’m reading this wrong,” and he kisses Nate.

He kisses Nate, and he tastes…. sober. Entirely sober. He’s shaking a bit, but his hands are on Nate’s face, and his hands, at least, are steady. The way he kisses is thoughtful, deliberate, and too kind.

 _How did you know?_ Nate wants to ask. _Am I just that visibly queer? Is there a sign on me in flashing neon or something, that says, Nate Archibald would go down on his knees for any man who treats him even slightly kindly?_

Nate doesn’t verbalise that. He just undoes Dan’s belt buckle, bends down, does what he’s been wanting to do for a while but hasn’t been wanting to think about. Dan’s hands are in his hair, not on his shoulders, and they are gentle, and he’s making soft noises, and he is nothing like Carter.

Once Dan’s come, he’s reaching for Nate, ready to return the favour, maybe, but Nate bats his hands away.

“I can’t do this right now,” he says, softly, looking at the way Dan’s face goes through a gallery of emotions. Surprise, hurt, confusion, sadness, resignation, maybe even heartbreak.

He kisses Dan’s cheek. Dan turns away.

“I’m sorry,” Nate says. He turns around, leaving the loft.

He doesn’t look back.

6

“Okay, I hate doing this, but it’s direct action time,” Vanessa says.

Nate thinks out of all the ways he’s been woken up before, this is maybe the most surreal. Vanessa is in Nate’s dorm, and Nate has no idea how she got there, but she’s sitting on the edge of his bed comfortably. She’s wearing an orange, semi-translucent and flowy shirt and a dark blue snapback, as well as black jeans that have faded into a grey, and are covered with paint stains. She seems as at ease as she would be, were she still his girlfriend, as if they’ve been going steady for long enough that everything that’s his is hers and everything that’s hers is his.

“Come on, V, you love direct action,” Nate says, laughing slightly.

Vanessa doesn’t even smile. “What did you do to Dan?”

Nate stops laughing, instantly serious. “Why do you assume _I_ did something?”

She’s not impressed. “ _Nate_.”

Nate wonders why all his ex-girlfriends are such terrifying people. He sure does know how to choose the best of them.

“Okay,” Nate says. “I gave him a blowjob, and I ran away.”

“And you’ve been avoiding him for a week,” Vanessa adds, to the point.

“He doesn’t need me,” Nate says, putting his face in his hands. “Nobody does.”

“That is very touching, but you need a therapist, and I am _very much_ not a therapist, however much I care about you,” Vanessa says. The anger in her gaze has bled out, though; now she just looks concerned. In some ways, this is worse, Nate thinks.

“I don’t know what Dan wants,” Nate says, and it sounds hollow. “But I do know that whatever he’s looking for, he isn’t going to find it in me.”

“Yeah, I’m not so sure about that,” Vanessa says. She takes Nate’s hand, gives it a gentle squeeze. “I like to think, as your ex, that I _do_ know you, Nate. And Dan’s my best friend. I wouldn’t be pushing you if I didn’t think this wouldn’t be good for you, and for him.”

“You want me to give Dan a chance,” Nate says, quiet.

“It’s not about Dan, is it?” Vanessa asks, just as quiet. “I want you to give yourself a chance.”

“Wow, what happened to not being my therapist?” Nate deflects, but he gives her a little smile, so she knows he’s just joking.

“I’m just looking out for you,” Vanessa says, smiles back.

Nate hugs her, and then leaves his dorm.

7

Nate calls Serena later during the day.

“I need you to talk to me about Dan, and about why you both broke up,” he says, in lieu of a hello, when she picks up. “The first time, in high school.”

“That’s one hell of a question, Nate,” Serena says. “Where is this coming from?”

“I know you weren’t ready to talk to him about the Pete thing,” Nate says. “And I know that keeping that a secret took a lot out of both of you. And I think, I’m… scared. That I’m doing the same thing.”

“Okay,” Serena says, and now she sounds vaguely amused, which is better than mildly pissed off, at least. “You’re worried that you’re going to damage Dan’s dreamlike, unconditional love and care for you by telling him about the skeletons in your closet, and he’ll never look at you the same way again?”

She’s joking, she can’t possibly know. But she’s right. That’s exactly how he’s feeling.

“Yes,” Nate says, and he knows how he sounds right now, raw and stripped naked. “You’re the only person I know who could possibly understand.”

“ _Nate_ ,” she says. He can hear sympathy in it, but some empathy, as well. “Let me take you to coffee, we can talk all about it. And I can give you a hug. You sound like you really need one.”

It does feel like he really needs one. “Thanks,” Nate says, quietly.

8

“Hey,” Nate says.

Dan doesn’t say anything, and looks like he’s going to close the door in Nate’s face, so Nate deftly walks into the loft before Dan can stop him.

“Here for the weed you forgot last week?” Dan asks, stiffly.

Nate knows he’s really fucked up, that he’s really hurt Dan. He just hopes he can fix it, make it better.

“No,” Nate says. He hands Dan the modest bouquet of blue and violet flowers he’s been hiding behind his back. “Jenny said orchids were your favourite. I wanted to give you these.”

Dan smiles, but it’s short-lived. He takes the bouquet from Nate’s hands, goes over to get a vase that he then fills with water.

“Must admit that you’re giving me mixed signals here, Archibald,” Dan says.

“Okay, I’ll be honest,” Nate says, suddenly feeling a sense of urgency. “The fact that you care about me as _anything_ more than a friend is mind-boggling. The fact that we’re friends is already mind-boggling enough. I’m not… Dan, I don’t know what you see in me.” Dan looks like he’s going to explain, but Nate shakes his head, going on, “And I’m pretty sure whatever it is isn’t real.” 

“That’s bullshit,” Dan says. He leaves the bouquet on the table, half the flowers in the vase, the other half still in the fancy paper. “You can’t just tell me how I feel.”

“I’m not,” Nate says. “I’m saying, _I_ let people down. Always have, probably always will. I don’t want to do that to you.”

“Nate,” Dan says. He puts his hands on Nate’s cheeks, hands wet from adjusting the flowers in the vase. “Where is this coming from?”

Nate shakes his head, just lets Dan hold him, instead, presses his face against Dan’s shoulder. He’s always been a coward; that’s the one thing he’s consistent in, at least.

“You sound like someone really did a number on you,” Dan says, softly.

“Someone _did,_ ” Nate says. “The first man I ever – he – he was in it just for the money. And then, last summer, with Catherine – _I_ was in it just for the money. You were right to freak out when I kissed Jenny, I’m not the kind of guy you want around your little sister.”

“Dude,” Dan says. He sounds incredulous now, and he’s shifting a little, looking at Nate with surprise in his eyes. “None of that is your fault. You were being taken advantage of. And I didn’t have noble intentions, yelling at you about Jenny.” He swallows. “I was just jealous. It hurt, that you were kissing my sister, when you could’ve been kissing _me_.”

“I didn’t even know you like men until last week,” Nate says, sort of desperately. “I wouldn’t – I was trying not to think of you like that.”

“I’m giving you permission to think of me like that,” Dan says, gently. “And to think of me however you want to, seriously. I’m a writer. I get it.”

Somehow, that’s what snaps the tension. Nate shifts out of the hug, pats Dan’s shoulder. “Been writing tentacle porn about me in your head, Humphrey?”

“I can write some for you on paper, if you’re into that,” Dan says, but he’s laughing, and it makes Nate smile, too.

He wonders, for a few seconds, what he was really worried about. Dan Humphrey isn’t just some man, he’s Nate’s best friend. If he wanted to scam Nate for money or coerce him into sex, he would’ve done so already. The way Dan looks at Nate is sincere, respectful, caring. It’s _too_ much; Nate doesn’t know if anyone's really ever looked at him that intently, with all those emotions, before.

Nate is terrified. But Dan smiles at him, and he blinks the fear away.

Or well, he tries to.

9

They get stoned and watch Alice in Wonderland together, and after a point, Dan starts singing along to the songs and completing the dialogues, which makes Nate raise an eyebrow. Another secret of the Humphrey household discovered, he supposes.

 _I could learn to love you,_ he thinks. _I could build my whole life around you, with you, beside you._

Every single time he’s felt that sentiment with any sort of certainty, it’s crumbled to dust all around him.

Right now, though, he just turns to face Dan, kisses his cheek, holds his hand.

“That’s you,” Dan insists, not really paying much attention to Nate. He points at the screen, where a green caterpillar with a hookah is sitting on a mushroom. “Nate, if you were a cartoon character, that would be you.”

“Fuck off,” Nate says, but it’s funny, and he laughs, and Dan laughs too.

Once the movie is over, and credits are rolling, neither of them want to get up. They’re just sitting there.

Nate puts an arm around Dan, and Dan leans against him. “So,” Dan says, softly. “Do you want to risk something romantic with me?”

 _I’m the risk factor, not you_ , Nate thinks. But he looks at Dan, at the earnest way Dan’s looking at him, open and sincere.

“Yeah,” he says, feeling like his mouth is too dry. “You’re the only person I think I could let myself do that with right now.”

Dan smiles, looks away, suddenly shy. It makes Nate want to tell him the whole truth, so he does, talking about Carter and Serena and how absolutely miserable he feels, now that they’ve found in each other the very things that he couldn’t give either of them. The credits keep rolling, and he keeps going, and it feels like he’s never said so much about his romantic feelings to one person, aloud, ever before.

“Wow, I think I just used you as a therapist,” Nate says, contemplative, once he’s done.

“Nah,” Dan says. “Don’t say that.”

“Why not?”

“Because,” Dan says, leaning up to meet Nate’s mouth, kissing him firmly before pulling away, “If I really was your therapist, that’d be a crime.”

“Good thing you’re my boyfriend instead, then,” Nate says.

“Boyfriend?” Dan asks.

“Mmhm. The offer stands, assuming you want to date the human equivalent of that maudlin caterpillar who’s always smoking up,” Nate says.

Dan laughs. “Perfect,” he says. “Everything I’ve wanted in a partner, ever.”

“Dude, you’re so fucking weird,” Nate says, smiling.

“Don’t pretend you’re not into it,” Dan says.

“Oh, I’m very into it,” Nate says. He leans forward, kisses Dan quickly.

10

He knows this isn’t going to fix anything, not really, that if he wants to feel less ruined, he probably needs an actual therapist, and not just a boyfriend who loves him so deeply and wholly that it makes Nate wonder if he’s fallen through a looking glass, like Alice in the second book, because how can this possibly be his life? It’s unbelievable. The extent of Dan’s love, and how unconditional it is, is nothing like anything Nate’s experienced before. Nate has newfound sympathy for the Serena of 2007.

Vanessa helps him with finding a therapist, giving him several brochures and infographics, sitting with him while he makes calls, taking him to his first appointment and waiting with him. Dan had offered, but Nate had said no – he already felt like too much of him was on display for Dan to view, and vulnerability was terrifying. Thankfully, Dan hadn’t pushed, and had just kissed him on the forehead and said that he was proud of him, and that if Nate ever wanted him to come, he’d be there, and if not, that was fine, too.

“You’re the only person who can fix yourself,” Vanessa had said, as she’d driven him to the clinic, despite his insistence that he could drive. They’d played Campus by Vampire Weekend on repeat (it was _their_ song, after all, a fact which all their mutual friends never let them live down.) “You’re doing the work for your happy ending, Nate. You’re going to be okay.”

“I’m really glad we remained friends after breaking up,” he’d told her. “My life is better with you in it.”

“And my life, and Dan’s life, are better with you in them, too,” Vanessa had said, smiling back warmly. “Don’t ever forget that.”

Nate had sighed, looking up at the blue sky.

As he sits in the waiting room, he thinks of how infinite and complicated and messy life is _,_ but for once, he doesn’t feel so scared by the weight of it. With Dan and Vanessa by his side, he doesn’t feel ensnared at all anymore. Not even a little.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed this!  
> feel free to find me @ bisexualdanhumphrey on tumblr, where you can watch me reblog gifsets from 2012 and generally be a nuisance on the internet, as you do <3


End file.
